so many times, so little question

Dear Noam;

I haven't heard from you in some time
and so thought

i would compose a monster

and see what comes of it

you see i've been thinking lately

i'm a prey to truth

it's just so acute at 42

no matter where you turn there you are

like waiting on a platform for a train that never comes

and you read all the signs and bulletins

and you walk around the station 10, 20 times

but still nothing

is that the train

no, it's a cab

and the sun starts to go down

so you put on your scarf and you start to think

WHY CAN'T I JUST CURL UP IN THIS SCARF?

oh, i'm too big

then you wish

I WISH I WERE SMALL ENOUGH TO CURL UP

IN THIS HERE SCARF

but i'm not

i'm big

i'm big like a skyscraper

i'm big like a bridge is too big

too big to get your arms around and

STILL THE TRAIN DOESN'T COME

so you start to look real close at the burnished steel of the rails

the part that a train's wheels ride on

and then you look hard at the rest of the track

and it's all dank creosote and rusty iron

and you think

BY GOD,

THERE'S REAL MEANING HERE!

but dammit if you can unravel it,

something about action and contact making one shine

and inaction and isolation just leading to rust

BUT THAT'S NOT QUITE IT

and you know it

and still the train doesn't come

so you move your bags over close to the wall

and you try sitting on them

BUT SOMETHING'S GETTING CRUSHED

IN THERE

so you try sitting on the cold concrete

but that's no good

so you stand once more

and

EVEN THOUGH YOU QUIT

SMOKING

you bum one from one of the other hapless souls

out there on the platform

and,

after a little small-talk,

you bum a light, too

AND YOU'RE ALL SET

so you light up

and smoke your brains out

BUT STILL NO TRAIN.

now, you're beside yourself

so you read all the signs again

and the bulletins, too

and you sorta fall asleep

while staring out at the

HUGE NOTHING

across the tracks

so asleep you don't quite realize

that you're not seeing it,

it,

the

HUGE NOTHING.

but then

you start to see it,

you start to recognize it,

this

NOTHING,
yes, you've seen this

NOTHING

before,
why, it's been there all the time

and it is profound.

or,

rather,

it would be profound,

because you were about to

seize upon it's dimensions,

it's full, flaccid horror,

it's anti-face,

and fling it finally

and unequivocally

from your life

BUT NOW THE TRAIN ARRIVES!

distracting,

pulling you away,

filling the

NOTHING

temporarily with a loud,

steamy,

colossal

illusion.

so you get on board.

i mean,

you were waiting for it,

and now it has come.

this must be the reason,

this must be

THE THING TO DO.

and as you pull away

and you must needs find a seat

and someone wants to talk about the weather

and the guy wants your ticket

and your bags--

where do the bags go?

during all this

YOU FORGET.

you forget that you saw it,

the

HUGE NOTHING

where your life was supposed to be.

you forget

and fumble for your headphones.

- love,

clay "yesterday never goes" mccann

wear tire-irons as old lady nation goes down

wear autumn colours as jay clayton weds

Lee Harvey & the little girl America




i thought i saw Lee Harvey Oswald
at the corner
smoking
holding the hand of a little girl
waiting for the light to change

and i thought
"that little girl
is America
and Lee Harvey
is going to teach her to smoke"

but then i thought
"oh.
America
already knows how to smoke."

and then,
"that little girl is America
and Lee Harvey Oswald
is going to teach her
to shoot a gun"

but then,
"oh.
America
already knows
how to use a gun
--cripes,
America pretty much is a gun!"

then i thought,
"oh.
Lee is going
to teach
little girl America
how to be betrayed
by people you think you
should be able to trust.

because this is a lesson
America still hasn't really learned yet."

and then the light changed
and i passed by the two of them
real close
and as they went on
i thought,

"oh. That's not
Lee Harvey Oswald
at all.
That's only my neighbour,
Ted.
Ted Kazinski."